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In recent years I have become more and more of a sceptic and turning away from being a Christian. Simply saying, I have to conclude that my mind tells me that there is probably no God and that there are not much indications that something supernatural exists, let alone that God is acting in our world. Yet in my heart I notice a desire to believe in God and to worship Him. The more I tried to reconciliate these two realities, the more I feel that they are excluding each other. For this reason, I consider myself a sceptic.

It is true that I got my share of hardships in my life. Of course it is not easy that Andy, my son, was born with a mental handicap. This has had a great impact on our family. And it is also not easy, that after Li-Xia having struggled with chronic fatigue for many years, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. Yet I don't believe that these struggles are the reason why I started to doubt about the existence of God. Because I also realized that there are many people who got far more hardships to deal with. And I also have discovered that having pity does not solve a thing, and from a Christian viewpoint, must be considered a sin.

I always have been someone with a sceptical mind seeking for the truth. From the moment I became a believer, I have had my doubts. I see myself as a scientist who tries to think in a scientific way about the things he observe. I think that the scientist in me as slowly won. In the past years I have started to doubt about what I held for true for a long time. I have often been swinging between believing and doubting, so I cannot point at one moment that made the change. Still there are a number of issues that have been important. Firstly, the statement that "Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence" and the discovery that there is no extraordinary proof for the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Even the proofs for his existance and what he preached are not exceptional strong, especially, if we ignore the Bible. Secondly, the observation that those who call themselves Christians are not much different from those who do not call them such. Thirdly, I have also placed question marks with my own experiences. Through the years these experiences of faith have become more and more convincing. Honestly, there are less and less things I am sure about, and that more and more, I have to reply: "I don't know." But still there are many mysteries that leave me speechless, and leave open the possibility that God does exist. In case God would exist, I would be very happy, and my heart would leap with joy and with great joy I would subject myself to Him and praise and worship Him with my whole being.

See the Road to Enlightment for more background information.

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